I feel like that’s how I’ve always been. If I was going to do something, I was going to be all in or all out. Lately, that’s how I’ve felt with my relationship with God. The nothing part. Now my nothing may be different to other people’s nothing. My nothing is going through the motions, doing the bare minimum, saying the right things, but not always practicing what I preach, etc. But my heart isn’t in it. I’m not in tune with God or the path that I’m walking. It’s a terrible place to be, and one that feels even worse to try to come out of. That’s where I am today. I’m tired of doing nothing. I’m tired of being lukewarm. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. That’s what the all or nothing mentality does to me. I feel like if I’m going to love the Lord and serve Him, then I have to read and pray all day long. I can’t say a single cuss word. I have to, have to, have to… That’s what’s wrong with a lot of Christians I think, especially ones that were raised in the church their entire lives. We base our relationship with God on how much we are doing. How many good little christian gold stars we can rack up in a week. The thing is that God doesn’t care how much we do, how much we work, how many gold stars we get. He wants US. God is an all or nothing God, but that’s because He wants us to give Him all of ourselves. That means dying to ourselves daily, but that doesn’t mean being perfect every day because that is impossible. We are going to fail, we are going to fall, but that’s why there is grace and forgiveness. That doesn’t mean to live for ourselves and the sinful desires we may have. We are no longer slaves to sin.
Romans 6: 1-7 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For the one who has died has been set free from sin.
I’m not in the worst place I’ve ever been by any means. Honestly, God has blessed me with every thing that I’ve ever wanted, and I am so incredibly thankful. However, I feel a piece missing, and it’s the close relationship with Him. And I think He’s showing me that I can have everything, but if I don’t have Him, I really have nothing. So I’m starting this climb back to where I want and need to be, but I want it to be different. I don’t want to do the all or nothing thing anymore. I want God to be my all, but I don’t want to hold myself to an unrealistic standard. God is so good…it’s time to stop getting in His way, and let Him work.
Galatians 5:16-26, Romans 12